Where to begin...I suppose from the beginning. A year or so ago I had a major change in my life. I lost someone very close to me. I'd know for a couple of years that the day would come; but, it's something you're never really prepared for. It is somewhat incredible to me that after the amount of time that has passed since then, I still can't seem to move very far from those first months. I didn't think this would be "me" -- not at all. I still find myself very sad and about to cry at the drop of a hat. I'm not a cryer -- especially in front of other people.
I have had great change in my life since that day -- most of it good. I can do things now that I wasn't able to before: go places, get things, have less stress. Yet, there are some things I'm still scared to death to do; one of which is kind of major. I'm a big advocate of not doing things that I don't want to. Nobody should ever be forced or coerced into doing things they don't want. Yes, there are surely things that people have to do even though they don't want -- like doing the RIGHT thing -- what's best for the majority. I believe that I do right thing(s). But, sometimes, when it comes to doing what I think is best for me, I do what I conceive as what others would want me to do, rather than what is best for me. I guess maybe I'm not selfish...but really, I am. I rebel when I've had enough of give, give, give and I get to the point where it's all about me. Then I feel guilty. I feel I let people down.
What I'm trying to say is this is my attempt at beginning to do what's right for me and to feel good about it. The things I'd like to do, the person I'd like to be -- not the person who is not herself and is unhappy about one major part of her life. As a disclaimer, I'd like to say that I love my husband and my family with all my heart and this is not an unhappiness about them.
